Friday, December 30, 2005
Year ending on time seen as defeat for Bush administration
YEAR NOT COMING TO AN END TILL DECEMBER 31st SEEN AS A MAJOR DEFEAT FOR BUSH ADMINISTRATION
December 30, 2005
by The PATriotBlog
Anonymous sources inside the White House, speculated that possibly there was an outside chance that maybe the President wouldn't have minded if this year came to an end a day earlier. It is believed that the President was hoping to put 2005 behind him. A year full of mis-steps, gaffes and possible illegal activities that was speculated may have occurred.
Senate Democrats rushed to the floor to protest what they called AND WE THE MEDIA GLADLY TRUMPETED, "A culture of Moving On"
Senate minority leader Harry Reid said, "The President wants us to just go on like tomorrow is the day before a new year. Well not under our watch Mr. President... you big Loser!" Other Democrats threatened a filibuster if the Republicans tried to start the new year on the first of January.
Senator Kerry, who according to Rush Limbaugh, served in Vietnam, added this. "I don't see a need to RUSH into a new year. We should let the year inspectors do their job first. We have 2005 contained. What we should be doing is going after 2004. If I was president, we'd have a coalition of countries to make sure changing the year is the right thing to do. We need to go back to the UN and get permission from the general council. This administration is recklessly taking us into a go it alone year change.
Kayne West, noted musician and rapper, which makes him more than qualified to comment on politics, had this to say. "Bush hates Black People... that's why he wants to change years. He aint messin' wid no broke broke..."
Press Secretary, Scott McClellan, was quick to point out that the year ended on December 31st during other administrations and that this was perfectly legal and with in the President's constitutional powers. This was verified by a quick Google of [when does the year end] but McClellan is a Republican and not to be trusted so we fact checked it with similar searches of Yahoo and Ask Geeves. All three seemed to verify the Press Secretaries statement... so we brought in our own expert to pooh pooh it and cast doubt on it.
Author and unabashed FDR butt kisser, Doris Kearns Goodwin had this to say. Yes it's true that many years ended on the 31st during other administrations. One time President Howard Taft forgot to buy his wife a Christmas gift the week before and she didn't speak to him until well into the 2nd week of January. But yeah... Bush sucks! Okay, make the check out to Doris K. Goodwin... hey do you guys validate parking??
My Whacky Iraqi Neighbor
Hi, my name is Patrick Stuckey and I am the writer and creator of this blog. If you've just started reading me... welcome... if you are a returning guest (and theres a few of ya) thank you... please seek help.
Anywho, I thought I'd take a slight break from my "Drudge-esque" like news reporting to tell you a little about my next door neighbor Bob.
About 2 years ago I got a new neighbor from Iraq. It was all part of the "Adopt a neighbor from a Foreign Country you Invaded and are Currently Occupying so that you can steal all their oil and give it to Dick Channey and Haliburton" program. Maybe you heard of it?
So like I said... Bob and his wife Josophat pretty much keep to themselves. Josi did come over about a week after they moved in to borrow a cup of goats milk but as luck would have it... I was fresh out. Anyway, my new neighbor, Robert Baghdad, has a rather... unique perspective on things. One day we were discussing the elections in Iraq...
(Me) So Bob... how's bout them elections over their in Iraq... Democracy Much??
(Bob) What elections... there are no need for elections unless our supreme commander and benevolent ruler Saddam Hussein determines a need for them. May Allah bless his loins and grant him many children.
(Me) But Bob... it's been all over the news... well right after the Valerie Plame leak stuff and "Bush wants to take away our civil rights" stuff... but surely you saw all those Iraqi people... voters... with purple fingers.
(Bob) That can be explained. In Iraq we celebrate the magnificence of our royal leader and omnipotent Prime Minister Saddam the Mighty... Saddam the Great... by dipping our fingers in purple ink. The Iraqi people love Saddam.
(Me) Hmmmm? But... isn't Saddam on trial... I think I saw that once on CNN between stories about Tom DeLay stealing elections Republicans taking our tax dollars and giving them to Bill Gates?
(Bob) All Lies! Saddam is our Leader... it is the criminal George Bush who will be convicted and hung from the highest tree in Iraq. Birds will pluck out his eyes and animals will eat his entrails till their bellies are full. Children will sing songs of Saddam's greatness and the goodness of his mercy. You watching the game tonight... Josophat is having a Tupperware party and it's gunna be wall to wall yapping women.
(Me) Yeah sure... come on over.
See what I mean... life in Suburbia... God Bless America
(Bob) And may Allah look favorably over all your camel and your daughters virginity.
Yeah... what he just said.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Bill Clinton Switches Parties
In a stunning piece of "Inside the Beltway tripe"... okay I'm soooo under playing this... we're talking Huge here peeps... Former Two Term Democratic President William Jefferson "Have Sax... You Blow" Clinton has announced he is... Switching Parties!!! Bite me... Now that's Big!
Der-Slickster, as he's affectionately known, made the announcement while doing the "Imus in the Morning" show. A radio talk show televised on MSNBC, that actually gets more viewers than most of MSNBDNC's late night regular shows... let me repeat that... a R-A-D-I-O show that gets more V-I-E-W-E-R-S than the prime time Softballs and Oberdorks.
Clinton said, "Bite Me, I-Man... but come on... every night on the pundit talk show's it's the same thing... the Lib's have Margaret Carlson, Eleanor Clift, and Barney Franks sister... Ann Lewis.
I mean Woof ... those three would even make Stevie Wonder flinch. Barney once told me that when his siter Ann was born the Doctor's told his mother... "Well it's gunna get ugly from here on!"
"Now the Republicans... they've got Laura Ingraham, Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin! I mean Helloooooo...
...Talk to the hand cause the former POTUS aint listening... we're talking 'The Perfect Storm' of Haw...Teeness! And that's not even counting the girls from Fox News. Fair and balanced??? I think Not! Were talking 'Shock and Aweeeeeeee!' King's Knight to Queen's Bishop 4... Perk and Perkmate!"
"It aint no thang but a Chicken Right Wang!"
Dems Plan to Take back the White Hizza
December 29, 2005
by The PATriotBlog
Democratic National Committee Chairman Dr. Howard "Scream Boy" Dean held a late afternoon press conference to announce the Democratic Party's Latest, New, Two Prong attack to take back control of Pennsylvania Avenue. This coming on the heels of their madly successful campaign of "Hey let's throw another Massachusetts Liberal out their to run for President", which proceeded their stunningly effective, "How's 'bout a stiff 'know-it-all' nerd bomb who makes stuff up like inventing the internet".
"We've identified the problem as to why we keep getting skunked at the polls. Basically it comes down to this. Our Image and the Black Vote. See, 91% of African Americans voted for John Kerry last year... they're gunna have to pick it up some... we can't keep carrying them as a party! As to the Image problem or what I like to call... 'That Vision Thing'... we've decided to go all Hip Hop up in Haaaaare... hopefully to attract a younger crowd... so with that... allow me to introduce the new face of the Democratic Party..."
"Yo Yo Yo... s'up muh bish'es and ho's? Doctor D's gotz some mad flava skillz and we be breakin this hare thing down Compton... Pimp style... old skooleooo. Now check it... we aint playin no more witcha... it's oooon... time to throw down with the Republican bish'es... that's whackity whack... so yo... we goin' gangsta... we goin'...
"Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout iiiight!"
The Evil Bush Administration and those W'ascally Terrowist
Yes, From the Same People who brought you Non-Stop Wall to Wall Abu Gharib Nekkie Pictures... yeah those ones... but were outraged by the "salacious" details of the Starr Report.
From the Same Peeps that want to keep us safe by telling Bin Laden "Hey Osama baby... we're soooo tracking your cell phone beoootch!"
From our Buds at the news desk that feel it's "Oh so important to fight the War on Crime by revealing where and which countries are keeping our prisoners!" (I'm feeling Safer already)
From the same Accurate... "verify and get it right"... Mainstream Media that brought you... Koran Flushing.
And from the same "America First" journalist that gave us "Bush Administration Approved Wire Taps!"
cough*so did Carter/Reagan/Bush1/Clinton too*cough
BUSH [Read: Evil] ADMINISTRATION SENDING KNOWN TERRORIST WHO WANT TO KILL US TO HORRIBLE MEAN PRISON CAMPS ON US SOIL
(Be Sure to check the Times Sunday Magazine... "Is it good for America to send Terrorist to Prisons and what does that say about us as a people?")
In another unprecedented move, *if you don't count the times Clinton did it* the Bush Administration, under a program known as Rendition, is sending captured terror... freedom fighters to US Super Secret Prison camps in third world states... namely West Virginia.
Your friends and watchdogs, the Mainstream Media, have uncovered *we got another Bush hater to leak to us* proof that terror... Jihadist lovers of Islam, are being housed in this Black Op's West Virginia Prison.
White House Press secretary Scott McClellan, admitted the policy of Rendition was being used but denied Torture was going on. "No Helen, torture is still illegal in West Virginia, however you can still marry your first cousins, but... let me clarify this point... you must be at least 13 years of age and have written permission from either your parents or siblings... or both if that applies." Said McClellan.
Senator Jay Rockefeller was asked what he thought about Combatants being sent to Prisons in West Virginia. The Senator was outraged. "How can we know what goes on there... has anyone ever been there? Where's the accountability? I mean, what do we really know about these... West Virginians?"
One punk ass reporter from... Fox Neeeeeeews *makes gagging motion* reminded the Senator he was from West Virginia. Hours later, Senator Rockefeller produced a Secret Letter he sent to himself that nobody else has seen but we're gunna report it as fact 'cause, we're good like that. The letter, according to "the Jaymeister" was dated before 2002, and in it "the Jay-man" expressed grave concerns about the President's plan for rendition... and first cousin's getting married. He also slipped us a couple of totally fetch "sweet seats" for an upcoming Nationals game so... it's all good... it's all good!
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
More Arnold/Tookie Backlash
December 28, 2005
Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger had hoped to put the whole Tookie Williams, Austrian Hometown Stadium naming thingie behind him. In a statement released to the press this afternoon the Governor said, "I had hoped to put the whole Tookie Williams, Austrian Hometown Stadium naming thingie behind me, but it keeps coming Baaah-ck!"
After the Governor declined to spare the life of Nobel Prize Nominee and author of Children's books, Tookie "Frame Job" Williams, an uprising swelled across "America loving" Europe. Calls to have his name removed from a stadium in his home town soon followed.
In order to stem off the embarrassment of his hometown renaming a stadium once named for the famous movie star slash California governor, Schwarzenegger asked that his name be removed first.
Well now a Backlash has occured. The people of California have decided to rename Vienna Sausages...
wait for it...
Saddam shows Proof of Torture
December 28, 2005
SADDAM'S LAWYERS REVEAL
PROOF HE WAS TORTURED
Baghdad, Iraq: The lead attorney for former Iraqi dictator Saddam "Mother of All Surrenders" Hussein, has produced documented proof that his client was tortured while under Coalition detainment. Ramsey "Hate America First" Clark appeared with Hussein before a joint press confrence today and offered up this proof.
"My client was subjected to various forms of torture including sleep deprivation and non-stop loud music", said Clark. Asked to clarify what forms of torture, Clark further explained. "The pumped Ozzy Osbourne, Ted Nugent, Barbara Streisand and Hanson's Ombop 24/7 into his cell."
Hussein added, "Hey, some of it wasn't all bad, I mean "Nuge"... the Motorcity Madman... especially some of the tracks off his 'Double Live Gonzo' CD... that's some killer shit... now that's what I'm talking about... but bite me... Barabara Streisand??? I mean yeah sure.... maybe I killed a couple million people but nobody deserves that! The woman didn't age well if you're following me on this."
Hussein and Clark also produced this totally un-retouched photograph...
Saddam had this final word, "Hey... blasting loud music into my cell 24/7... parading my ass around half naked... all this I can put up with... but... but then those bastards committed the ultimate attrocity...
Evan Thomas and Michael Isikoff could not be reached for comment.
PA and CONN to swap Senators
PENNSYLVANIA LOOKS TO MAKE TRADE WITH CONNECTICUT FOR PENNANT STRETCH RUN
December 28, 2005
by The PATriotBlog
The states of Pennsylvania and Connecticut have been negotiating an inter-party trade that would send switch hitting Senator Arlen Specter to Connecticut for future prospect, Senator Joseph Lieberman and a Congressman to be named later.
At first blush it would appear Connecticut is getting the better of the deal, Specter is a 5 term Power Hitter serving as the Chairman of the influential Justice Committee. Lieberman, a 3 term soft spoken reliever, has been a steady closer out of the bull pen for his party, and at one point looked to have super stardom at his reach when he was chosen to be a candidate for vice-president.
Republican coach Ken Mehlman has high hopes for Lieberman, possibly a lefty coming out of the pen or for long relief in a clean up mode. Dem skipper Howard Dean is happy to get a senator of Specter's qualifications.
"Arlene has a good rep in this league. He swings from both sides of the issue, usually throws from the right but he's been known to toss a few curves of his own... to the far left."
Both sides feel they've helped themselves with this trade... but The PATriotBlog sees this trade as a...
Lose Lose proposition.
Dowd appears Desperate
NEW YORK TIMES COLUMNIST TO APPEAR ON DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
December 28, 2005 (Story Developing)
Maureen Dowd, opinionated columnist and SINGLE, will be making several appearances on ABC's hit show, Desperate Housewives (Sunday, 9:00pm).
MISS Dowd, will be playing the part of Hagatha Eazy, an aging spin stress who's meaning in life is slipping away. Freightened and desperate for love, she bounces from one bed to the next as her biological clock's snooze alarm is pushed way beyond it's limit. Maureen said of her time on the show...
"I love this part, I get to be a bitchy old crone who's sole purpose is to go around criticizing everyone else's life because mine is so desperately inadequate. A real stretch for me, but that's what makes it so much fun!"
Teri Hatcher, who plays the part of Susan Mayer on the show, was quite impressed with Miss Dowd's acting ability.
"She's amazing, really, she had absolutely No training yet from day one when she set foot on stage she was "In character" and stayed that way throughout. I real pro!"
Show producer Liz Gratchen was equally impressed, "We were looking for a real angry bitch, someone who could play the part over the top and still come off as credible. It's not often you find someone who is so well suited for their part. Once we got passed the 'incident' everything was smooth sailing."
The "incident" Gratchen referred to took place on the 2nd day of shooting when Miss Dowd showed up disheveled and late for work after a night of debauchery with at least 5 male members of the stage crew.
Gallup Reveals Pollee
Tired of years and years of criticism about their polling numbers, and hearing, "Well I've Never been Polled!" The Gallup Organization, decided to bring forth one of their actual pollee's.
His name has been withheld, but Gallup did provide a list of questions he was asked his opinion on as well as his responses.
1) Should the Government provide Free Health care from cradle to grave? Ummmmm Yes
2) Should the Government provide Free Housing? Okay
3) Should the Government make sure your teeth are brushed, you're wearing clean underwear and your shoes are tied? That would be nice
4) People are losing their jobs everyday, money is tight, the stock market down since Clinton was in office and we're ALL just one paycheck away from poverty, do you approve of how President Bush is handling the economy. Ummmm no I guess, which one's Bush again?
5) Our soldiers are dying in an ennoble war for oil by the thousands, we are hated and despised all over the world because of the president's "Go it alone" attitude half his administration is under investigation for leaking a CIA operative to the press and the other half should be, in what some are calling cough*Democrats*cough a culture of corruption, and now... NOW we find out the effin bastard has been spying on US citizens as we talk on the phone on our way to the bowling alley... should congress start impeachment hearings and the answer is yes? ahhh... Yes
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Murtha Announces Dem Redeployment Plan
MURTHA ANNOUNCES PLANS
FOR DEM REDEPLOYMENT
"Vows to have Dems out
of 12th District in 6 Months"
December 27, 2005
In a stunning development this afternoon, Democratic Congressman Jack "Cut and Run" Murtha, announced his plan to have the Democratic Party withdraw from the 12th Congressional District of Pennsylvania.
Currently, the Dems hold a 2 to 1 advantage in voter registration, a fact the Congressman brought up in today's News Conference. "We've become a target for the Republicans, they don't want us there, we should just pull out, it's obvious we can't win."
"We need to set a target, a date certain when we can bring our Dems home. Possibly we could telephone or text ahead to the Republicans and let them know EXACTLY when we are leaving. Just look at this, 80% of the 12th District thinks Democrats are the party of the French, Pot smokers and welfare moms. Here, 63% of the District would rather have Ranch dressing on their salads than a nice vinaigrette. A clear majority, 71%, beleive the third gunman on the grassy knoll also shot J. R. Ewing on Dallas. And look at this... Nearly nine out of ten 12th district voters believe you should brush after every meal and wait 30 minutes before you go swimming!"
Murtha Announce Upcoming Tour Dates
Congressman John "Hit the Road Jack" Murtha of the 12th District has just announced his Tour dates for the upcoming month of January.
Last year's tour, the "Kiss the Ring Media... Go on... Kiss the Ring" tour was such a success that this year they've brought back the same media but renamed it to keep it fresh. The Tour has been dubbed, "John Murtha's Mainstream Media Magical Mystery Tour: 15 Minutes and Beyond", and will concentrate on the three or four Networks the Congressman Didn't get interviewed on last year. The Food Channel, The Home Shopping Network and Fishing with Orlando.
Once again, MSNBDNC will be sponsoring the tour.
MSNBDNC spokesman Chris Matthews had this to say, "I'm hoping the Congressman will avail himself to more of my tough interview questions... like...
It's obvious the Iraqi's don't want us over there, they had it much better under Saddamn... at least the trains ran on time... why is it that you Congressman Murtha, are so effin' fantastic and Bush is a Liar or a Complete Idiot?"
If you were a tree, that is to say if a Congressman from Pennsylvania, a decorated Vietnam Vet, could actually be a tree, what kind of tree do you suppose you'd be and why is Bush such a Liar and a Complete Idiot?"
Monday, December 26, 2005
ANTI-CHRISTMAS PROTESTORS STORM ALTOONA
December 26, 2005
For Hundreds of years, the icon known as Santa Claus has taken his post Christmas vacation here in our sleepy town of Altoona. After 12 months of toy manufactoring and a night of globe trotting no one could question his right to some R&R.
A group of 9 unemployed, Christmas protestors, calling themselves, "The Million Person March against Santa" have descended upon Saint Nick's vacation compound, and have set up a media villiage they have dubbed "Camp Comet."
Evan Smith, a Christmas Protestor from Berkley, CA shouted, "Santa Lied... Reindeer Died!" Evan, 31 and in his 13th year of college with no major, is a vetrern of protesting having also helped spear head the Anti-Easter Bunny and Anti-Tooth Fairy movements. "We don't accept, your illegal holliday... No Blood for Snow... No Blood for Snow!"
Santa could not be reached for comment, nor would the, "Icon in a Bubble" meet with the protestors. His spokesman, Hermie Elf, DDS said, "Mr. Claus is doing the people's work while vacationing. He supports the protestors right to their opinions, but he strongly disagrees.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
And now some news and notes from Central Pennsylvania
DECORATIONS HONOR FALLEN SOLDIER
December 24, 2005
By David Hurst, Staff Writter
The message to fallen soldier Staff Sgt. Dan Lightner: I'm proud of you.
The message to George W. Bush: It's time to start bringing troops home.
"This banner and these lights are staying up until the soldiers come home from Iraq," she said. I hope the president sees it. I just think we've done what we can over there, and it's time to start bringing them back home."
A banner is draped across the porch on her grayish Bakerton home, a salute to current and fallen soldiers. Fagan said she went all over the area looking for patriotic decor, buying out strings of red, white and blue lights that local drug and dollar stores usually sell for the Fourth of July.
Lightner, 28, volunteered for a second stint in the Middle East this year and was stationed in Ramadi province this fall. He was part of a 14-unit convoy conducting combat operations October 27 when his vehicle struck a roadside bomb.
It was his sister's birthday.
His siter and aunt described Dan as a caring, deeply religious man who strived to help people. He had been a state trooper since 2003 and was the first from Pennsylvania to die in Iraq. Fagan said.
Much like poll numbers show nationwide, Dan Lightner's family is split on the war.
She thought her aunt's decision to support the troops was a good idea but does not think the U.S. should pull out of Iraq.
Fagan believes the military has done all they can. Saddam Hussein's regime has been overthrown, Hussein has been caught and no weapons of mass destruction have were found.
Dan's mother, Judy, doesn't pay attention to war news on television anymore adding only "that I have to go along with Danny," because he believed the work in Iraq wasn't finished. "He beleived he could get over there and save the world," she said.
As opinionated as I am... I'm just going to let this story stand for it's self.
Being Christmas I'll just add... God Bless the Lightner family... all of them!
Patrick ~ ThePATriotBlog
PA STATE POLICE